i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
