3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
