I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
zippers are such a cool invention
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
