I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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