i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
