when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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