There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
