So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
