The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dignity is for republicans.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
