It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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