You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
