so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
