i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
