Im at strip club and am horny
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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