Your dad touched me again.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
