I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
