I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
