Where is the hickey?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
