Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
