Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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