I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
