I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
