Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
