There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
