You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
