i was born a porn star she said
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
