The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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