You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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