Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
