She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
