I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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