We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
