Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
