I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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