I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i drank out of a bidet.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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