I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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