I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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