Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
