She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
