Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
