you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
