there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
