Someone shit on the floor
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
