Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
