Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
