if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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