i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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