dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
