There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
