I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
