apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
