Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
